it's a new year

Hello 2010, and welcome. I can hardly believe 2009 is over, but at the same time I'm quite relieved to have survived it, to be honest. It was a hard year, and I'm just glad to have made it through. I've grown up more in 2009 than I think I have any other year. I'm not sure if I could pinpoint exactly what has made me grow up so much in one year, but when I look back, I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. So here's to the end of a good, but hard, year. And here's to the start of a new year, filled with fabulous surprises, and wonderful memories yet to be made.

In 2010.....

...my sister is graduating from high school and turning 18.
...I am going to Boston with my family.
...I am turning 20!!
...I will be halfway through college

those are the for-sures that are happening this year. I'm anxious to see what else pops up along the way.






You know what's weird? When you all of a sudden find yourself thinking about someone you would never have imagined would be on your mind. You can't stop thinking about this person -- can't get them off your mind. And it's crazy how happy thinking about them makes you, but it's also so strange because a week ago you would've never imagined that thinking about this one person could fix you. You never even thought you'd be spending all this time thinking about them. But also at the same time you're terrified of thinking about someone too much because the last times you've done that nothing has worked. All the thinking didn't pay off, so you're scared. Terrified to get too happy thinking about someone who is probably not thinking about you, but then again how would you know? How do you ever know? You don't. So you keep thinking because it's fixed you somehow. You're still broken beyond repair, but somehow you think that thinking about this person is one tiny drop of glue at a time and maybe, just maybe, they could be the one to fix what you are sure is unfixable. So you don't stop thinking about them because you need it. You need the chance to think that maybe you can be fixed. And maybe also you just need someone to think about so that you stay sane. It's a complicated emotion, but really to sum it all up it's just that you can hardly figure out why all of a sudden they are the only thing you can think of. And all of a sudden you're afraid again because everything has gone wrong in the past, all the thinking has done too much damage. But, you can't help it. So you just keep thinking.