and when you begin to miss me, don't forget it was you who let me go

My life has been a series of failed relationships, too many kissing stories, and promises that were broken. I wish I could say I've only kissed 5 guys, or even 10 guys isn't that bad. But since my number exceeds 10 by more than a few...I've got more on my plate than I wish I had. My number of successful relationships can be whittled down to 4ish...two of which were never defined so I usually count the first one as a half...so maybe 3 and a half. I've loved one person, and I've realized that love when you are 16 is very different from love 3 years later. I've come to accept that being cheated on happens, but it's never easy or fun to have to deal with. I've learned that when someone says "we should just move on" it usually means that he's a regular 17-year-old boy who just wants to get more action from someone else. I've discovered that you can be in a happy relationship with an amazing guy, and everything all of a sudden changes during a week. I also have found that even though I thought guys would be better at dating and knowing how to treat girls when they get home from their missions...they are not. They are still the clueless males that they were two years previous. Not like I have that much experience dating nice guys anyway....but I'm just saying. The last thing I've learned (this was recently) is that you can be totally in love with someone and not realize it until you've lost them. It all feels like a dream to me, and I am always left wondering if it all even really happened. I got a glimpse of a fairytale, a wonderful shooting star that lit up my whole sky. But it's a dream that didn't fully come true. You can be in love with someone, the most amazing guy in the world, and not realize how much you really did love him until he's no longer yours.
And I just wish I could scream song lyrics in his face, dig all the words he said to me out of my brain and put them in a ziplock bag and give them back to him. Then steal them back because I've never heard anyone say things like he said to me. So I think I'll keep them. And I won't scream song lyrics at him, no matter how much I want to. So, when he starts missing me he better remember that HE was the one who let me go.

survived: week one!

So I've survived a week and a day of my 4th semester of college! Are you proud of me? You definitely should be, cause it's a big accomplishment. What you'll have to be more proud of is me getting through the entire semester cause this one is HARD. Freaking 17 credits, plus work, plus Beta, plus studying. Woot. Talk about busy for sure.

Anyway, life goes on and I continue to survive despite all the pain I'm in. Whatever. It's just been a hard month as I suppose you probably know. But last week was great because I spent time with my Beta loves, and it's been good. I've missed those girls so much!

To end this post, I wanted to share a letter with you from a new website I found, which is letterstocrushes.com. Go read it. Cute stuff there for sure.

Boy with hats-

All of a sudden I found myself thinking about you. I would never have imagined you would be on my mind so much. I can't stop thinking about you -- can't get you off my mind. A week ago I never would've imagined that thinking about you could fix me. But also at the same time I'm terrified of thinking about you too much because the last times I've done that nothing has worked. All the thinking didn't pay off, so I'm terrified to get too happy thinking about you when you are probably not thinking about me. I hope you are thinking about me. Cause we fit so well together when you held me under that blanket. I think about that all the time. I hope you do too.

You've fixed me, all by me thinking about you. Now I want to do more than think. Think you want to, too?

-girl with small feet (smaller than yours anyway)

...there's this giant couch in front of my face...

Is it bad that I just want someone to hold me? That I want to cuddle up with someone and watch movies? That I want to have someone to hold forever, and not have to worry that he won't be there, cause he always will be there. I'm just so sick of being let down, and so sick of being lonely. I'm so sick of getting so close, of not being lonely for a short time, and then losing the happiness and becoming lonely again. I've realized this recently. Realized that I'm a very lonely person. But right now I'm sitting in my boss's office feeling extremely lonely. I can't help but wish that this past failure had gone right. That things could still be un-lonely and that we could be together. I can't help but wish that he hadn't lied. That he hadn't left. He said he wouldn't...and then he did. And everything makes me think of him and I can't handle it. I need to get away for awhile so I can stop thinking about him. Because seriously, I don't go long without thinking about him, and it's so bad for me. I'm just so angry. And so lonely and lost and I feel so hopeless. I pretend to be happy because I don't want my friends (or anyone else) to know that inside I'm actually dying. There's nothing left inside me and I honestly can say that there's only been one other time when my heart has hurt this badly. I wish I could say that things are okay and that I'm going to try to move on...but I'm not sure I can say that and believe myself. I know that moving on is the best thing for me, and the only way I can logically think to do that is to not see him. But I miss him so much. But I have to not see him. It's better that way. So I move on, the only way I'm allowing myself to move on. I'm done searching for guys, done finding them. If someone is interested in me, let him make the first move. Let him initiate everything and show all the interest before I do, because I cannot take what I've just gone through - what I'm still going through. It's killing me even now, which is so dumb. I feel absolutely stupid that I'm having such a hard time with this...but no one has ever said things to me that he said. No one has ever held me that way, or treated me that way. So I thought things would be different. That's why it hurts so much. I just can't handle that I got lied to. It kills me. I sit around and I remember everything he said to me. All the words, all the little sentences, the funny laughs. The stupid cheesy things he said to me, and then I can't do it anymore and I cry. I break down and I lose it. I'm so lost, and I'm so lonely. I can't do this anymore.

So I'm sitting here, lonely and thinking. There's this giant couch in front of my face (a very comfy couch may I add) and all I can think about is how badly I want someone to cuddle with on it. Someone I can have forever. I'm just a stupid pathetic girl who needs to move on from someone who deserves much better than the likes of me.

it's a new year

Hello 2010, and welcome. I can hardly believe 2009 is over, but at the same time I'm quite relieved to have survived it, to be honest. It was a hard year, and I'm just glad to have made it through. I've grown up more in 2009 than I think I have any other year. I'm not sure if I could pinpoint exactly what has made me grow up so much in one year, but when I look back, I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. So here's to the end of a good, but hard, year. And here's to the start of a new year, filled with fabulous surprises, and wonderful memories yet to be made.

In 2010.....

...my sister is graduating from high school and turning 18.
...I am going to Boston with my family.
...I am turning 20!!
...I will be halfway through college

those are the for-sures that are happening this year. I'm anxious to see what else pops up along the way.






You know what's weird? When you all of a sudden find yourself thinking about someone you would never have imagined would be on your mind. You can't stop thinking about this person -- can't get them off your mind. And it's crazy how happy thinking about them makes you, but it's also so strange because a week ago you would've never imagined that thinking about this one person could fix you. You never even thought you'd be spending all this time thinking about them. But also at the same time you're terrified of thinking about someone too much because the last times you've done that nothing has worked. All the thinking didn't pay off, so you're scared. Terrified to get too happy thinking about someone who is probably not thinking about you, but then again how would you know? How do you ever know? You don't. So you keep thinking because it's fixed you somehow. You're still broken beyond repair, but somehow you think that thinking about this person is one tiny drop of glue at a time and maybe, just maybe, they could be the one to fix what you are sure is unfixable. So you don't stop thinking about them because you need it. You need the chance to think that maybe you can be fixed. And maybe also you just need someone to think about so that you stay sane. It's a complicated emotion, but really to sum it all up it's just that you can hardly figure out why all of a sudden they are the only thing you can think of. And all of a sudden you're afraid again because everything has gone wrong in the past, all the thinking has done too much damage. But, you can't help it. So you just keep thinking.